This will kill them
An unnamed source tells us that a future edition of Henry Louis Gates’ PBS program Who Are You? features republican radical Paul Ryan. Ryan is alarmed to discover that his ancestry traces back to Dracula and the famous Bram Castle in Transylvania.
Professor Gates tries to calm Ryan by telling him that it couldn’t be worse than having your ancestry trace to another species, as is obvious in the countenance of Senate Minority Leader and human-turtle hybrid Mitch O’Connell. (as so aptly stated by Stephen Colbert).
After a break for a public service spot citing the American Red Cross’ urgent need for blood, Gates pointed out that Ryan’s unusually prominent widow’s peak is a “dead” give away to his Draculian ancestry. At 42,
Ryan looks remarkably young, another indicator that he is among the undead, which may account for his ability to deliver bad news while smiling.
Upon reflection, Ryan concedes that red and black are his favorite colors, his nails grow remarkably fast and his size is perfect for that hooded cape hanging in his closet all these years.
Alert to all possibilities, Gates speculates that over the centuries Ryan’s ancestors may have adapted to change; asking pointedly if Ryan’s now famous budget is geared to suck the blood out of an entire nation?
No comments:
Post a Comment