MAGNUM OPU

F The Polls!

Jesus Did Not Trust Public Opinion

Lyndon Johnson did the unpopular thing and brought us The Great Society, giving us medicare and civil rights.  Franklin Roosevelt gave us The New Deal and brought us social security.  Truman made the unpopular decision to fire MacArthur.  Lincoln fought for a United States of America.

Leaders lead.  It takes guts to be a leader.

For people who think this whole thing is political:  politics is local.  politics is personal.  We can’t leave any one behind.  That’s an AMERICAN value.
Finally, President Obama.  Thank you very much.

RYAN'S ROOTS TRACED TO TRANSYLVANIA

This will kill them

An unnamed source tells us that a future edition of Henry Louis Gates’ PBS program Who Are You? features republican radical Paul Ryan.  Ryan is alarmed to discover that his ancestry traces back to Dracula and the famous Bram Castle in Transylvania.

Professor Gates tries to calm Ryan by telling him that it couldn’t be worse than having your ancestry trace to another species, as is obvious in the countenance of Senate Minority Leader and human-turtle hybrid Mitch O’Connell. (as so aptly stated by Stephen Colbert).
After a break for a public service spot citing the American Red Cross’ urgent need for blood, Gates pointed out that Ryan’s unusually prominent widow’s peak is a “dead” give away to his Draculian ancestry.  At 42,
Ryan looks remarkably young, another indicator that he is among the undead, which may account for his ability to deliver bad news while smiling.

Upon reflection,  Ryan concedes that red and black are his favorite colors, his nails grow remarkably fast and his size is perfect for that hooded cape hanging in his closet all these years.

Alert to all possibilities, Gates speculates that over the centuries Ryan’s ancestors  may have adapted to change; asking pointedly if Ryan’s now famous budget is geared to suck the blood out of an entire nation?

NIKKI HAYLEY BITTER ABOUT THREAT OF AGING

"How Cute Am I?"

Although many of us were shocked when Nikki Haley announced that “women don’t care about contraception,” this intrepid reporter has discovered that her position is linked to her fear of aging.  “I am after all the youngest Governor in the country,” said Haley, “and I was President of my own company, Exotica International, whose theme is “Trust Exotica for timeless fashion.”

Haley has traded on her good looks to gain political prominence with the Tea Party and the likes of Sarah Palin, who is famous for declaring “you can see North Carolina from South Carolina.”

No liberal bastion, North Carolina is a paragon of the left compared to their clueless, toothless neighbors in South Carolina.  This is a State where people believed that their previous Governor had gone hiking in the Appalachians when he was in fact in a foreign land fooling around with a potential illegal immigrant.

Trying to avoid his mistakes, “Governor” Haley has taken a tough stand on illegal immigration.  She has also decided against using her given name, Nimrod, which is short for Nimrata.  Exactly how many South Carolinians know that she is of Indian (as in over there Indian) descent?

She is reputed to have had a number of affiairs (plausible denial).  She only has two children.  Are we to believe that she doesn’t care about contraception?

REINCE PREIBUS STARS IN KAFKA NOVEL

No war on caterpillars here

When the GOP announced that white white person Reince Priebus would be taking the place of white black person Michael Steele, we knew we had seen him somewhere before.

We were a bit thrown off by his name because it does not sound really white; rather it sounds like some kind of species, as in domain, kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, SPECIES.  Basically the end of the line.  Any way you look at it, the name seems  altogether fake.

It turns out that Priebuses are nocturnal creatures, which accounts for why he is not as visible as Mr. Steele was (and still is).  This week he came out of the darkness to say, with a straight and uninteresting face, “If we talked about caterpillars, the Democrats would say we have a war on caterpillars.”

Why caterpillars?  Why not slugs?  What about termites?

The name Reince Priebus traces back to the beginning of time, when God made a last minute decision to create a species that could survive until the end of time.  He does not use his middle name, Reince the-alpha & omega Priebus, except on rare occasions.  Not surprising then, that Reince Priebus chose a caterpillar, a species that avoids  terminal ugliness by turning into a butterfly.  Jealousy, it seems, was his motivation.

Had it not been for Kafka’s friend Max Brod who saved Kafka’s writings from the trash heap, and changed a few words before publishing them, we would have read the first sentence about a salesman’s tribulations  in  The Metamorphosis as ” As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a giant reince priebus.”

FAT BOY FUDGES FIGURES

Help Me Find My Neck!

Chris Christie’s “I am fatter than you are,” in-your-face attitude is catching up with him.
Turns out the mega-transportation project he canceled because of his “principles” had none of the problems he decried.  He over-estimated the project’s max cost by several billion dollars and lied about the percentage of the cost that his State would have to bear:  he said New Jersey would have to pay 70%.  In fact, it’s share would have been 14.4 percent.

New Jersey Senator Frank Lautenberg is making the left wing media rounds today letting the world know that Governor Fatty-Fatty-Two-By-Four, at a minimum, “misrepresented” the facts to his constituency.   He cost New Jersey a big opportunity  — maybe not as big as he is, but BIG.

This may top his radio show I-don’t-give-a-shit about New Jersey’s public schools comments…
He won’t get the VEEP spot.  Maybe he will leave his family for Ann Coulter.  Or some fudge.

THE SEASON OF THE WHITE WHITE MAN

Super Smirker

Time to stop listening to the political hoorah.    Republic Rag is over, and now Christie’s fellow fatso Karl Rove and the rest of their ilk will set about trying to destroy President Obama.
No point in listening because they are all professional liars and fact fiddlers and they will do anything to “defeat Obama.”  Romney’s little trick about the War on Women being about jobs is just his latest shape shift.

And now transvaginal ultrasound promoter and Vice Presidential hopeful, smarmy smiler Bob McDonnell  is back on the stump.

Tune out, I say, tune out.  We know  what Obama has done, and what they have failed to do.

ANOTHER JOE MCCARTHY, OF ANOTHER HUE

Tell A Big Enough Lie...

Enough already.  We have spent the last year hearing about how Obama is a European Socialist.
Now comes professional idiot Allen West to tell that he has heard that “about 80 Democrats are communists.”
We are really in the 1950s now.  Thank you, MAD MEN, for getting the ball rolling.    I hope that you didn’t know what you had started?  White men rejoiced.  Now a black man is talking communism.

WTF?  I mean. really.  What parallel universe have we found ourselves in?

BUT DID SHE HAVE HELP???

"All by myself...

We already know that her husband employed a yard service that employed illegal immigrants.  “I had to fire them.  I am running for President.”  We know they have several homes and she drives two Cadillacs.

Isn’t possible that she hired help as she chose to stay home to raise her children?

We were nowhere as rich as the Romneys, but my sisters were raised by a Governess, as was my mother, as was her father.  When I was growing up, my brother and I had a baby “nurse,” and our household employed a handyman/yard man, a laundress/housekeeper and a cook.  Like Ann Romney, my Mother chose to be a stay-at-home mom.

Her kids appear to be perfectly nice, she is likewise nice and Willard is the perfect patrician go-to-work Dad.

So the “I don’t bake cookies” versus stay-at-home Moms is back in play.  Get over it, everyone.  Ann Romney “stayed home,”  and she probably had help.  This could make her the head of a small business.
Personally, I think Willard  should pick his own fights and not hide behind his wife’s skirts.

ROMNEY'S "GOOD DEEDS" WILL SECURE PLANET, NOT PRESIDENCY

Totally Spontaneous! courtesy: mittromneycentral

Now comes a book about Romney’s good deeds, which he “doesn’t talk about.”  EVIDENTLY NOT.  It is in an f–ing book.
From the TV promos, it appears that the book is about how Romney helps white men who are fellow Mormons.  Securing his postmortem planet.
One guy talked about how Romney showed up with his sons to dig a stump out of his yard.  “There were no press there” said the grateful Mormon, whose house had burned to the ground.  BUT THERE WERE CAMERAS!  How can people believe that Romney took time out of his campaign to go to some guy’s house he didn’t know, and dig up his stump?  Maybe because Romney has been on the stump for so long he misunderstood what his son was asking him to do.  Wild man with a chainsaw.
It is heartening to know, however, that if he does win the Presidency, Ann will fire all the help and clean the White House herself and Romney will dash off periodically to do yardwork at some Mormon’s house.  God bless us, everyone!

George Zimmerman Endorses Romney

This is from Tom Tancredo's website.. Really.

As George Zimmerman was leaving the courthouse today, he announced his endorsement of Willard “Mitt” Romney for President.  “I really like his wife,” Zimmerman said. “What a babe.  I could really stand my ground for her!”
Although uncomfortable with Zimmerman’s leering comments about his wife, Romney welcomed the endorsement.  “It’s a two-fer — isn’t that what you people say?  I mean, a gun toting Hispanic?  Too bad he isn’t Jewish.”  When asked about Zimmerman’s character Romney replied, “Well, I would prefer to be endorsed by someone who is not a murderer, but I will take what I can get.  Did you see how those Republican congressmen flip flopped on me?”
There are rumors that Zimmerman’s bond was provided by Karl Rove’s SuperPac, American Crossroads.  This rumor has not been confirmed; but Zimmerman did say:  “We are at an American crossroads.  I am going to take a shot at campaigning for Romney while I am free.”
Media accounts indicate that Zimmerman will be in jail a “few more days.”  “Doesn’t bother me,” said Zimmerman “Did you see how much weight I lost in jail?”

STRANGE GIVEN NAME DELIBERATE

"I'm sorry son. It's on your birth certificate"

Searching through back issues of the Detroit Free Press, we found an interview with auto magnate and former Michigan Governor, George Romney.

“Of course I gave him the name Willard,” said the “elder” Romney, smoothing back his silver mane.  “I figured it couldn’t hurt him to get beat up a little … makes ‘em stronger, that’s what I think.  Besides, I am not going to be outgunned by some punk kid.”

Romney Sr. was stunned when his son started using his middle name “Mitt.”  “I gave him that name as a joke.  Like he was going to become a major league catcher or something…the Willard thing:  isn’t there some bald fat guy weatherman named Willard?”

It is not just Romney’s father that thinks Willard is a weird name.  Commentator KC Robertson said  “Would you name a dog Willard? Any wonder Willard “Mitt” Romney tries to conceal his name. It’s a bigger secret than Barack’s birthplace. Nobody likes a Willard.

BELLA HAS A GUN!!!

Dobre Utro Amerika!
With all the talk lately about 26 states with “Stand Your Ground” laws, and Rick Santorum’s signing his three year old daughter Bella up for the NRA, bringing their number to 73,741, we think it’s time to celebrate one of the world’s most popular WMDs, the Kalashinikov — or as we call it here in the good old USA, the AK-47.
We are a country at war.  All the time war.  Our citizenry cherishes the right to bear arms.  We are approximately 7% of the world’s population, but we can boast 20% of the world’s population in our jails.  Except, in a few days, for George Zimmerman, whose appearance in court foreshadows his Turn and Run strategy in the Trayvon Martin case.
Because America so loves a war, a Russian friend of ours gave us the T-shirt pictured in this blog.  We wanted you to see it before we shipped it off to California, which has an accidental “Stand Your Ground” law.  Well, not exactly an accidental law because it has never been legislated.  But it was ordered, more than a century ago, by court decree.

World Massacre Tour

“Those are the kind of activist judges we like,” said Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA.   LaPierre has been called “over the edge” and “a wingnut” by members of his own organization.

DO CONSERVATIVES KNOW ISSA IS LEBANESE?

Do they also know that he has been arrested for stealing cars (a Dodge Charger and a Maserati) and also for carrying a concealed weapon — this part they probably like : a 25 caliber with rounds of ammunition as well as a tear gas gun with ammunition.
This is Mr. Morality, who announced at the beginning of his service that he was going to be investigating Obama’s administration on a 24/7 basis, following the lead of the Senate Minority “leader” and the cabal of Republican rats who decided, the day Obama was inaugurated that their first priority would be “making sure that Obama does not get reelected.”
Issa has had a checkered career, and so it seems he thinks that everyone who he wants to interview has one as well.  He is either eternally suspicious or a bad joke, neither of which you would take home to Mom.
This is the guy that had five men testifying about birth control, and denied a well educated woman the opportunity to speak.

This is the guy that said that Obama’s administration is the most corrupt in American history.   Takes one to know one, Daryl baby.

OBAMA REALLY ATE A CAT

You a-holes got nuthin`. Not one thing.
Obama had a composite girlfriend? Really?
How many of you have had a composite something-or-other?

Compost is more like it: your brains in a heap.

NORTH CAROLINA IS A SPECIAL KIND OF STUPID

ON TO THE GENERAL ...

Tickets:
Romney/Christie  =  The Patrician and the Pig
Romney / Rubio =     The Mexican and the Cuban
Romney / Hailey =   Willard and Nimrata
Romney/ McDonell =  The Abortion
Romney/ Ryan =   Bain and the Budget
Romney / Boehner = Bain and the Boner
Romney / Cantor = The Mormon and the Jew
Romney/Brown =  The Massachusetts Mafia
Romney/West = Crazy and Crazier
Romney / Scott = Standing Our Ground
Romney/Kasich = The Elder and The Talk Show Host

Romney / Walker = The Losers

Jan Brewer Is A Man

I have to admit I was wrong about Jan Brewer.   (S)he is not a heartless, clueless hag.  He is a heartless misogynistic jerk.
I should have been suspcicious about the name “Jan” which can also be a man’s name, and (s)he is one ugly woman, so if I had been paying attention I would have figured this out earlier.
This is the only explanation for ”her” recent focus on taking away the rights of women in her state, rich or poor, but especially the poor.  He has always, all along been a man.  Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, only worse.

Don’t let those wrinkles and the teased dried up hair fool you.  What he was really saying to Obama, man to man, with the finger pointing episode at the airport was “you might be black, but I am not a woman.”  His secret is out.